Cosmogyral

Psithurisma is a short story I wrote with the aide of my once-friend who will not be named (her pseudonym was James Carmody). She wrote as God, I wrote as Steve.

The story has been since renamed.

Cosmogyral 

Cosmogyral: cos - mo - gy - ril. adj: whirling around the universe.

0 1

dear god

today i was outside and it was sunny, but it was raining too. i found this a terrific example of irony.

steve

0 2

dear steve

i don’t like rain. it’s supposed to be so great but all it does is smell weird and stick your hair to your face. i don’t know why i created it.

god

0 3

dear god

i like rain. i like the smell. i don’t like you very much.

steve

0 4

dear steve

i’m sorry to hear that. i don’t know why i created rain. i don’t know why i created you. i don’t know why i created myself.

i plan to do it right the next time.

god

0 5

dear god

are you even real? i feel like i’m talking to a wall. are you a wall? is the all-knowing, all-powerful, ever-present intelligent creator of our universe a wall?

i don’t like walls. they’re like cages.

steve

0 6

dear steve

i think i am a wall. i like walls. they’re protective. did you know that if you people didn’t have walls you’d get eaten by wild coyotes? and there’d be bugs everywhere. i don’t like bugs either. why did i even make all this shit in the first place? it doesn’t solve anything.

god

0 7

dear god

today i was contemplating the moral purpose of walls. i mean, our ancestors had like caves and shit right? i mean, i’d rather live out in the wild than in a house or a cave. you’re not helping me.

steve

0 8

dear steve

the walls aren’t always for keeping the animals out. sometimes they’re for keeping yourself in.

god

0 9

dear god

i’ve concluded that i am going to move into the wilderness and live amongst the wildlife until i come to a moral high-ground over you. i will bring my smartphone so i can maintain contact.

wish me luck

steve

1 0

dear steve

i might come with you. this world’s getting pretty corrupt, isn’t it? all these people killing, controlling, destroying as they see fit. i’m not allowed to do anything, either.

would you be disappointed if i told you i’m just a wall? i think i would.

god

1 1

dear god

to answer your question is going to take some explaining.

i spent about thirty-six hours in the mountains of colorado before i began to feel like i needed something to eat. that’s when i realized it was difficult finding food in the wilderness. i tried to use google to search for some edible plants but there is no wifi in the wild.

i have come home and i am glad that i have walls. i was bitten by a wild cave spider. i feel as if this should be some scientific discovery because my veins are now green.

but to answer your question: i like walls. they keep the cave spiders away. if you were a wall, i would be quite disappointed, because i like walls but i don’t like you. you’re something else. have we looked at the possibility that you’re not real?

steve

1 2

dear steve

i’ve never been to colorado nor could i tell you what to do about that spider bite. but i can tell you that i take back what i said about rain. rain is good. without rain, the planet would be dead and you wouldn’t exist, you little meatpacket of joy and splendor.

i’d like to be a wall.

i don’t know if i exist, steve. maybe i only exist in your brain. are you going, steve? you must be. maybe you should check into one of those nice white buildings. you don’t believe in me, steve, how could i possibly be real?

god

1 3

dear god

i hate you. you make my brain hurt.

steve

1 4

dear steve

i’m glad i made cave spiders.

god

1 5

dear god

yesterday i went out to visit my grandmother for the holidays. she asked me if i had been injecting drugs. i said no. the rest of the family then arrived and we were eating dinner and my grandmother took a good look at everyone there and said ‘you’re all here thanks to my vagina.’

i’ll have you know i laughed.

and then i began contemplating everything.

you see, i want to be an astrobiologist. i am currently studying at college. this got me thinking about if aliens had vaginas and gathered at dinner tables to eat and everyone was there because one vagina existed thousands of years ago and one or more people climbed out of it and one of them was a woman who then gave birth to a woman and so on.

i’ve confused myself. maybe biology isn’t my thing.

steve

1 6

dear steve

it’s good to hear that you enjoyed yourself. i’d hate to spoil existence theories across the universe, but i’d like you to know that yes, aliens have vaginae. some of them. a good selection of them just reproduce asexually. i think that’s pretty nifty myself.

today i looked down and realized in doing so that i don’t have feet. or, for that matter, a body. so i don’t exist as a physical, breathing, moving entity, so what? i exist as an idea and with the way life works, that’s all i need be to do what i do.

what do i do? i don’t know. that’s for you to decide.

god

1 7

dear god

if you don’t exist, there’s nothing you can do, so do nothing. that’s what i’d do.

steve

1 8

dear steve

i’d like to do that. maybe i will.

god

1 9

dear god

i was peering up into the night sky in hopes to see you. i’ve been very lonely lately. college is hard. i have to research the atmosphere of mars for class, but mars is so hard to see so i decided to see if i could find you.

no luck yet. help me out here.

steve

2 0

dear steve

i’ve decided that you’re an atheist because you say you can’t see me. that’s because you’re not looking for me, you’re looking for my face. remember how i told you i’m just an idea? i’m an idea that forms all those stars up there. it sounds really bloody cheesy, yeah, but steve, i am the sky. i’m a part of it all.

not existing sucks. i think i’ll go do it some more.

god

ps: if it helps, i’m an atheist too.

2 1

dear god

god is an atheist. fucking great. maybe christians are wrong after all.

but i’ll keep looking for you.

(mars too)

steve

2 2

dear steve

while you were peering into the sky trying to find me i was peering at earth trying to find you. do you know how insignificantly tiny you are? the earth? the galaxy? not even a bump on the massive metaphorical seismograph of life. you may as well not exist. i may well not exist. that puts us in the same boat, doesn’t it, steve?

i like the way you think. maybe someday you and i can see eye to eye on whether walls are a good thing or a bad thing. myself, i like them. they hold the bad things in.

god

2 3

dear god

i am sitting at my computer chanting the words ‘dear god, dear god’ like some psycho cultist not because i’m trying to contact you but because i have an issue (and, for your information, size does not determine significance. you’ve offended midgets everywhere).

i have had sex with a man. not like just experimenting, i think i am gay. but that’s not the bad part. when i got an erection and the guy pulled my dick out of my pants he noticed that my veins were green and called my penis cute before sucking it. i’m currently searching the internet for the specific cave spider that bit me (there are over 200 different breeds of cave spider!).

send help.

steve

2 4

dear steve

midgets are people too. you’re all insignificant. i’m insignificant. ever built a toothpick castle and then you built it way too big and you were standing next to a fifty-mile-cubic toothpick castle with your hands in your pockets? that’s me. you guys are pretty bad marshmallows.

you should probably get that checked out. unless you’re becoming a superhuman, your blood shouldn’t be green. as for the guy? get him checked out too. it might be passable through semen.

good luck. don’t panic, steve.

god

2 5

dear god

not only have i become a sexual deviant with a freshman english major, god, i think i’m in love. i don’t know what this feeling is. i’ve never experienced it before. i don’t think i like it.

when i realized it yesterday i took a chair and sat out in the middle of the sidewalk in the pouring rain for a couple hours. the sun was shining again just like last time. this time i found no irony in it. in fact, it described the feeling perfectly.

steve

ps: i’ve solved the green penis problem. the antidote was available at our local children’s hospital (because apparently children get bitten by cave spiders most often).

2 6

dear steve

love is a thing that no one understands in full, like the solution to a rubik’s cube or what the universe is made of. you better learn to live with it, because it can kill a man or send him higher. be careful, steve, i like you and i’d rather not see you die.

i decided rain has a purpose. it’s not only there to feed the ground. i think it rains when it’s sunny to give you an idea of what life really is. there’s no forty-two about it. life is just, well, sun on a rainy day, or rain on a sunny day, depending on how you look at it.

i’m glad you got it looked at. how’s your friend?

god

2 7

dear god

the english major and i have broken up. he called astrobiology dumb so i punched him in the face. he is currently in the emergency room for a broken nose.

and i find it ironic that you like me. i still don’t like you. you’re not a wall. i like walls. become a wall so i can like you. become my wall. then you can exist.

steve

2 8

dear steve

i told you love hurts. sometimes though it doesn’t hurt till later. what am i talking about? love is nothing. i’m sorry to say it, but look how long you live. eighty years? ninety? a hundred? what is a sexual attraction that lasts maybe thirty of those years? yes, it’s nice, but what does it change in the world? nothing. unless you’re from some other planet. then, different story.

you’re funny, steve. remember about the stars? mars is there, get out of the bleeding city and look at it. if i’m correct, you have a smartphone so you can use that to find mars if it’s too difficult by eye. but as much as i’m a part of mars and the sky and your smartphone (clear your history) i’m a part of those walls that surround you at night. i can’t protect you, but i can protect what does.

i’m watching out for you, even if it means nothing in the long run.

god

2 9

dear god

i can’t see mars with my smartphone. it’s only 3 megapixels.

steve

3 0

dear steve

there’s an app for that.

god

3 1

dear god

i talked to my professor and he told me to research online and not in person. it’s much easier to analyze the molecular makeup of the atmosphere of an interplanetary system when you have a large database of information at your fingertips.

thank you for creating the internet.

steve

ps: i met another boy. he’s a world history major. i like him a lot. he doesn’t think astrobiology is stupid.

3 2

dear steve

i could tell you everything there is to know about mars and saturn and pluto and alpha centauri and the orion nebula and the entire universe but i think you’re burdened enough already so i’ll keep that secret to myself for the time being.

as for the world history major, i don’t like world history majors because they’re always somewhat, if not entirely, completely wrong.

god

ps: the app is called ‘star gazer’, i think.

3 3

dear god

the world history major told me i’m cute. i told him i liked his teeth. we kissed.

i now know what love feels like to me. i like it. it doesn’t feel like it does when it rains but the sun is still shining. it feels more like a faint orgasm that lasts forever.

steve

3 4

dear steve

you remind me of someone. i can’t think who. what is love?

god

3 5

dear god

baby don’t hurt me

don’t hurt me

no more.

steve

3 6

dear steve

how is your head?

god

3 7

dear god

woozy. my boyfriend and i just kissed again. i like it more than astrobiology.

steve

ps: what the fuck is up with antimatter?

3 8

dear steve

does your boyfriend know you talk to yourself?

god

ps:  it doesn’t exist, that’s why it’s called antimatter.

3 9

dear god

i’m starting to like you. maybe you are a wall. maybe that’s why you can’t see yourself. you’re a wall. walls don’t have eyes.

i hope you’re a wall.

steve

4 0

dear steve

i hope so too.

god

4 1

dear god

today i went to a football game. before it started, the players crowded in one big circle that they called a ‘huddle’. it got me thinking. the way everyone was able to make a big circle just like a house made me think that maybe we’re all walls. anything could be a wall. i could be a wall, if i was given the right circumstances.

the history major and i made a wall with our bodies and the corner of my dorm. humans don’t make good walls. we have too many holes and we’re not that strong. actual walls work better than us walls.

chances are, you’re a wall, which means chances are, i like you.

steve

4 2

dear steve

i can’t express enough how glad i am that you’re happy. i’ll sound pretty stuffy here, but, it’s hard doing what i do. i finally figured out what i do. i’m like love, steve. you can’t see me, but you can see what i change, and i can barely believe they haven’t totally given up on me yet.

have you ever thought about going into architecture?

god

4 3

dear god

you are not love. love exists. you don’t.

steve

4 4

dear steve

do your homework.

god

4 5

dear god

i’m going to give you a nickname. god must get boring after a couple billion years.

i’m going to name you wally. like walls. i think everyone should be named wally because we’re all walls.

meanwhile, i have finals for college next week. we have to visit the university of washington and use their science institute to study the atmosphere of saturn. i’m going to miss you. i’m going to miss the world history major.

steve

4 6

dear steve

wally is fine. i like wally.

good luck. i hope you go to space.

wally

4 7

dear wally

we didn’t go to space (sadly). but what we did do was look into a big telescope and get to use the high-tech machines. i got a B+ on my assignment. i learned a lot, but i kept insisting that saturn had a tribal life form on it. my professor told me i was being dumb.

when i returned the world history major boy threw me a party. i’ll have you know i drank 43 shots of tequila and went to the emergency room for liver and kidney failure.

i had fun.

steve

4 8

dear steve

there’s no intelligent life on saturn. it’s gaseous.

wally

49

dear wally

that’s what my professor said before i punched him. i believe there is an alien race of bird-people living on saturn. i’m going to write a book on them. i even got a job at the hawaiian mauna kea observatories so i can utilize their equipment for my studies.

i will prove you wrong.

steve

5 0

dear steve

you’re young. listen to your professors. if you keep up hating people and keeping to yourself you’re going to become a hikikomori like the people in the story did. do you know what a hikokomori is? a loner. that’s what. don’t be a loner.

i’m getting tired of calling you steve. steve is a character in a game i play often and he’s a lot nicer than you are. he’s also a lot stupider. i’m going to call you adam.

wally

5 1

dear wally

i named my dog wally so whenever i talk to him i feel like i’m talking to you. did i mention i also bought a dog?

i like adam. and this test on the internet says my iq is 220. i’m sure a lot of people are stupider than i am.

and if anyone’s a hikikomori it’s you. you have no friends. you don’t exist. i have a boyfriend and my grandmother and my whole research team. you need some friends. create yourself a wife (or a husband) and have some ‘fun’.

adam

ps:  there are no bird-people on saturn. i was wrong.

5 2

dear adam

what kind of dog is wally? i like dogs. dogs are good. maybe i should get a dog. it’s lonely up here because all i have is a black void and a few stars here and there but i can’t move or speak or anything and i don’t know how i can talk to you because that’s science and i’m not very good at science.

you’re smart. i’m smart too. maybe when we die we’ll go somewhere for only smart people. i wish humans lived forever. i wish gods lived forever too.

dog

5 3

dear dog

you’re not real, therefore you cannot die. maybe you should write a book about what it’s like to be a wall that created the universe who doesn’t exist and his only companion is an astrobiologist that he communes with through email.

i’d read it.

dog’s adam

5 4

dear adam

i can’t write. i don’t have hands. i told you i don’t know how we’re communicating.

dog

5 5

dear dog

then tell me what to write. i have hands, an intern, and a maid.

dog’s adam

5 6

dear adam

i don’t know what to write. i don’t want to write. if you want to publish this conversation as a book then go ahead, don’t edit it any.

dog

5 7

dear dog

i’ll look into that.

i got a ph.d. in astrobiology so now i have a ‘dr.’ in front of my name. i’m very happy. the world history major gave me a celebratory ‘blow job’. at first i didn’t know what that was, then he gave it to me. it made me happy.

dr. steve “adam”

5 8

dear dr. steve

i like the world history major. what’s his name?

i think i’ll stop existing again. that’s always so much fun.

dog

5 9

dear dog

his name is brad. we’re in love.

you can’t stop existing because you already don’t exist. maybe you can try existing.

dr. steve

6 0

dear dr. steveadam

i would like that. i’d like to see what life is.

dog

6 1

dear god

the only good parts are orgasms and love.

it’s not that great.

steve

6 2

dear dr. steveadam

that sounds nice.

dog

6 3

dear dog

i’d rather not exist.

dr. steve

ps: being a doctor does not help anything in life. i hate this.

6 4

dear dr. steveadam

come join me in nonexistential limbo. we can eat ice cream and throw rocks at pigeons and laugh when little kids fall on the playground. being a doctor anything is overrated.

dog

6 5

dear wally dogod

     i don’t like living. i don’t think you’d like it much, either. it’s like once you push past school and experience orgasms and love there’s nothing. it’s all just bland and plain. i think i’ll kill myself.

steve

6 6

dear dr. steve

you should take yoga. i hear it’s refreshing.

dog

6 7

dear dogod

i took your advice about yoga. i was about to punch my instructor when i remembered that assault is illegal, so i stole her yoga mat instead.

i am currently sitting in the middle of my research facility eating pineapple on my new yoga mat.

brad is visiting for the holidays. he is at the beach right now. we’re going to have sex soon.

dr. steveadam

6 8

dear dr. steveadam

don’t get trodden on. that would be unfortunate. have you ever watched breaking bad? it seems like the sort of thing you’d enjoy. not that i’m saying you inject drugs or anything.

god dog

6 9

dear godog

i don’t like tv. it’s bad for you. instead i prefer reading. i am currently reading 50 shades of gray but i am imagining the two as a homosexual male couple instead.

we i have started an expedition to kill all of the cave spiders in hawaii. i don’t think i’m going to kill myself anymore.

steve dr.

7 0

dear dr. steve

50 shades of grey isn’t my preferred reading material. i’m reading mostly harmless and arthur finally got laid after five entire books of wandering the universe. it must have been nice. they did it in the sky, too, they were flying.

good luck. there are no cave spiders in hawaii, but good luck.

dogod

7 1

dear dogod

if you don’t exist, or you’re a wall with no eyes, how do you read?

dr. steve

7 2

dear dr. steve

i created the laws of physics. i can do what i want.

god

7 3

dear god

i punched brad in the dick today. we were in bed together and he reached over to put his arm around me but i thought he was trying to strangle me so i punched him in the dick.

he’s okay.

steve

7 4

dear steve

don’t do that.

god

7 5

dear god

can i punch you in your nonexistent wall genitals?

steve

7 6

dear dr. steve

no.

god

7 7

dear god

have you ever had a ‘rim job’?

steve

7 8

dear dr. steve

in science fiction a ‘rim job’ would mean an occupation as a street sweeper in a rimworld. but no, as a matter of fact, i haven’t. keep in mind my nonexistential state.

dog

7 9

dear god

maybe i can give you one when i stop existing?

steve

8 0

dear dr. steve

keep your bloody tongue in your mouth.

god

8 1

dear god

i’ve been chosen for the world’s first manned mission to mars. i’m going to go to fucking space.

i’ve also come to the conclusion that i’m going to kill myself on mars. i don’t want to die on earth. it’s stupid here.

steve

ps:  i secretly hope there are bird-people on mars.

8 2

dear dr. steve

see you there. don’t forget your towel.

god

8 3

dear god

mars is dry.

steve

8 4

dear dr. steve

that was a reference. never mind.

god

8 5

dear god

i bet you watch a lot of television. i wish i could have watched more television, maybe then i’d get your references.

my research team and i go up tonight. i’m bringing some books with me and my phone. i hope the ship has wifi on it.

steve

8 6

dear dr. steve

i don’t watch television at all. i’m going to keep referencing. it’s a book. i thought you read a lot.

if you’re good, i’ll ring up eccentrica gallumbits for you. good luck.

god

8 7

dear god

i mainly read classics. i like charles dickens and shakespeare.

we’re on the ship now. we left earth a couple hours ago. i feel so happy to have left. my crew is great.

for some reason i went through our old chats and i think you’re a wall. i like you. i like walls. i can’t wait to kill myself so i can finally know what you really are.

are you the only wall in nonexistential limbo?

steve

8 8

dear steve

i guess i am. i mean, chilling up here with the binary code isn’t that bad. it’s like being in a video game.

looking forward to meeting you.

god

8 9

dear god

i was exercising my legs today when i started thinking about you and how ironic it was that an atheist would look forward to meeting a deity that doesn’t even exist.

i video-chatted with brad today. i didn’t tell him of my plans to kill myself. i plan to do it on the very last day we’re on mars; we’ll only be there for a week or so.

we’re supposed to land in three days. i’m very excited. and sad.

steve

9 0

dear astrosteve

i was wondering the same thing. why do i look forward to seeing you? i don’t exist and you don’t believe in me. like, what if something goes wrong there?

hm. when you come up i’ll give you my netflix password.

god

9 1

dear god

we land on mars tomorrow. i’m shaking. i can see it right out of the window.

we had a celebratory party. we got our families together on skype and we drank a lot. i could only get brad because my incompetent grandmother can’t work a computer. i made sure not to drink too much. (seriously, kidney and liver failure sucks).

steve    

9 2

dear steve

i’d come to greet you but i’d probably a) tear a hole in space-time or b) scare your entire crew to death and we don’t want that at all. be careful up there. it’s easy to get hurt.

dog

9 3

dear god

we landed. i am sitting on the fucking surface of mars right now. i literally punched my crewmate down the ladder first. nasa yelled at me. but that doesn’t matter, i’m going to be dead soon anyways.

we’ve found evidence of water in the martian soil. maybe i should have brought a towel.

steve

9 4

dear steve

mars is beautiful. life is beautiful. the fact that you floated out to another planet in a huge tin can powered by explosive gas is also beautiful. i’m glad i created humans because you guys are cool.

it’ll be nice to see a friendly face, steve.

god

9 5

dear god

is there ever an unfriendly face?

have you even seen my face?

steve

9 6

dear steve

i haven’t seen your face nor have i seen anything at all because i don’t have eyes. but i know you. you’re not crazy and you’re not a total fuckup so we’re cool.

god

9 7

dear god

never did i think god would speak the words ‘we’re cool’.

well, i’m killing myself in three days. i guess this is like a see-you-soon-or-maybe-never thing.

so, uh, see you soon or bye forever.

steve

9 8

dear steve

are you still atheist? i’m curious. i am, still. it’s funny how life works. it’s like one massive, ugly, disorganized computer program.

i’ll be waiting here. probably forever. but forever’s nothing to infinite.

god

9 9

dear god

yesterday i killed myself. when we were called back into the ship, i ran off across the surface of mars and tripped on a rock. when i hit the ground, my helmet shattered and i quickly suffocated.

today, i met you.

you’re not a wall.

steve

ps:  i’m no longer an atheist.